Because that’s how I’m feeling right now.
I don’t know how to go about writing this. I don’t want this post to seem like I’m wallowing in self-pity, but something needs to come out and this is one of the only ways I know how.
I just got off the phone with my partner who announced that he’d be home around 7. I wasn’t even able to finish the conversation in a civilized manner; I hung up quickly and burst into tears. I don’t remember ever being so emotional, but these past few days (or weeks, or months – honestly, I don’t know) have been trying.
I feel as though I can’t catch a break. When my son was a newborn, I was nursing for hours at a time, then he hit a growth spurt, then we started having problems with gas, after that we entered the “wonderful” world of wonder weeks. Then came sleep deprivation due to prop dependency (where I was getting up 10+ times a night for a month just to put the pacifier back in) followed by sleep training, a tendonitis for me, teething, a growth spurt/wonder week combo and now, teething again.
I feel like all I do all day is try to function. My son has taken to screaming at different moments; I never know when it’s going to happen. Sometimes it’ll be for naps, or at bedtime or when he wakes up in the middle of the night. Other times it’ll be when I sit him down on the floor or when I change his diaper. It’s maddening because it just goes on and on and on. And then, I have people around me asking me how are things. All I can say is “good” (that *is* the correct answer, right?). What do you want me to say? I have no idea what an easy baby and what a difficult baby are like.
I’ve never had so many headaches in my life. I’ve never cried so much in so few days. My home is a mess – even by my standards – and I feel so alone – and feel guilty about it.
I’m lucky enough to be on paid maternity leave, I gave birth in November and am only going back to work in August. My partner tries to help with a lot of things, but I think he’s feeling a little overwhelmed with how to manage work (he’s been having to put in extra hours), house chores, and this little human that’s taking up so much room in our lives. I go out because otherwise I’d go crazy, but while I’m going out, I’m not taking care of the house and I’m not resting. I love my son to death and I wouldn’t go back to my pre-baby life; he brings too much joy in my life. But sometimes, like right now, I just feel like I’m losing it.
How do you stay at home moms/dads do it? How do you working moms/dads do it? How do you single parents do it? Please tell me that I am not the only one.
I never thought that becoming would be easy. But I also never thought that 6 months in, I would become an emotional mess at times.
There. I said it. I feel somewhat better. I think.