So, between my obvious lack of posting in the last week and the one and only post I managed to squeeze in last Friday, some of you might have guessed that I am now back at work.
I’m actually not sure how I feel about this so I’m just going to go ahead and jot down some of the things that have been going through my mind since I returned last Monday.
- I’m fairly certain that I am not cut out to be a SAHM. Though I adore my son, sometimes he drives me up the wall. A part of me embraces this realization, but another part of me feels guilty about it (mommy guilt at its best!)
- I’m kind of bummed that I took the 40 week maternity leave instead of the 50 week leave. I know that I am VERY lucky to have such a long leave especially when I think that just a couple of hours South of here, moms get 6 weeks (CRAZY!). When, I made up my mind, way back when I was a few weeks away from giving birth, it made sense financially (same pay over 40 weeks -vs- 50 weeks means a larger check each week) and professionally (I work in education and thought it was a good idea to be there at the start of the school year instead of come in mid-October).
- I’m also realizing that I just cannot keep up with my son’s milk intake. Now that I’m back to work, I have seen my (albeit) small freezer stash dwindle into near nothingness. It is not feasible for me to pump while at work, therefore I can only pump while I’m at home. However, when I’m at home, I nurse my son. I’ve found myself in need of formula and I am annoyed at myself because of it. Now, just to be clear, I’ve absolutely nothing against formula. A good friend of mine chose formula over breastmilk and I’ve always wholeheartedly supported her decision. I also found myself very happily embracing the online I Support You campaign. However, I wish I had been able to build more of a stash to make it to 1 year with breastmilk alone. In hindsight, had I known how attached I’d become to nursing my son (that is a whole other post), I would have taken the 50 week leave and would have either invested or rented a good quality electric pump.
- I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that my son is starting daycare. Of course, I’ve always been good at repressing my emotions, but I don’t know if the fact that I can’t put my finger on how I am feeling is because I am trying not to feel or if it is because there is a whirlwind of emotions that have assaulted me. Let me try to put this into perspective. Last week wasn’t so hard as he was with his father all week. It kind of felt like the times where I left him with his father on weekends so that I could get out of the house. No biggie. However, this week, he will actually be going to daycare. I LOVE that he’ll be in a small setting with only four other children and I really like the educator that will be taking care of him, BUT it feels like a big milestone for me. The rational part of me tells me that this is a necessary step and that it’ll be good for him and yadayadayada, but the emotional part of me kind of feels like a train wreck waiting to happen.
- In light of my first week as a working mom, I realize that I really need to get my s*** together if I want to remain sane. We’ve already instigated some changes with regards to meal planning, but I want to be able to keep a balance between my professional life, my family life and my personal life (including blogging). There’ll probably be a post coming up with my goals with regards to each of these facets of my life soonish.
How do you working moms find a balance between these aspects of your life?